Grey Dawn In the Deep South
In the grey dawn
when the heavy valley air takes the city
in foggy arms.
Almost chilly streets
that will lose this soon
in the sunshine noon
and afternoon hot as blazes.
In the grey dawn
when the frogs croak
and two cats watch for birds.
Rumbling sound
of the car next door
across the bushes that keep us apart.
In the grey dawn
I hear a distant train
that comes closer to my street
on a crawl from Macon.
Whistle whining
from a long way from here.
A Monday that will soon
burn with daylight
heat and brightness so intense
it seems loud and pounding.
-Will Dockery (7-19-21)
Hi Will
ReplyDeleteAs usual, I like your images, but your grammar is off. Ditch "when" in the 1st stanza. Sentences should have clear verbs, and your prepositions mess this up.
In the grey dawn,
the heavy valley air takes (embraces, holds) the city
in foggy arms.
Lose the "when" in the 3rd stanza too.
This Monday will soon
burn with daylight,
with a heat so bright
it sounds pounding.
Bright heat that makes noise is very good.
Try to write in complete sentences.